contradictions

i realize that i envy people who can put together nicely thought out posts, but that is not me. i'm a rambler. and i feel like rambling, so i'm sorry.

i'm in one of those moods where i could go so many ways with my emotions. the way that is strikingly most appealing is crying. it could also go towards slap happy, seductive, or clingy. i hate it when i can't figure out what to feel like. do you know what i'm talking about?

i think that it's a feeling of discontentment, to be honest. i'm not gonna lie - devotions have not been my strong point these last few weeks of school (when, to tell you the truth, they should have been strongest) but spending every waking moment studying the actual material is taking more of a priority in life. and i find...when i let my life get like this, i hate stuff. if hate were a color, it would be the nastiest sickly brownish greenish color of death if you ever saw death - - - and it would be making spider veins on my heart. and that makes me grumpy.

i want to be completely and utterly sold out for God. i want Him to be the only true thing that matters to me. why is it so easy to care about other stuff. does it have to do with hormones and the culture? the way we were created? what? i desperately want a boyfriend. like. yeah. desperately. i don't want to want one. i hate wanting one. but there i go, just the same. boys aren't that great....they're pretty dumb actually and they mess things up. so why do i want that in my life? gahhhhh. but alas and alak - i do. why can't i be content to stand with my hands held high and my heart abandonded to the love and mercy and grace and beauty of the lover of our souls Jesus Christ?

i guess sometimes we just slip from the path and have to realize it before we can get back on. i hope this is me realizing it. blah.